I Had A Dream: Pumpkin Seed Spitting

Ah yes, to be this man...

When I was younger, I was a great champion. I’m talking like 10-time champion of one of the world’s most amazing spectacles. In my hey day of being one of the greatest pumpkin seed spitters of all-time, I was followed and mobbed wherever I went. Everyone wanted a piece…you don’t understand how many seeds were shoved into my mouth with people yelling at me to “shoot it a mile!”

I was a modern-day Elvis or Buddha.

Lesson learned from Lauren Conrad

 

Yes, this girl should totally start a clothing line.

Apparently book publishers don’t look for significant, extensive fashion experience when deciding who should write fashion books. Well, at least that’s what it looks like considering Lauren Conrad will write Lauren Conrad Style for Harper Collins, the company announced this week. The blond reality star doesn’t exactly qualify as a fashion expert and her writing abilities are questionable (people wonder if LA Candy was ghostwritten), so how did she do it? Here’s what I’ve learned from Conrad on how to land a fashion book deal (without going through the Newhouse Fashion Communications Milestone):

1.Star in reality T.V. shows. Come on, we all know Conrad wouldn’t be as successful as she is today if she didn’t lust after Kristin’s Stephen on Laguna Beach.

[VIDEO] JERK Thanks Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds for The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas

This Thanksgiving, JERK’s thankful for The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, a musical starring dynamic duo Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds. Parton landed her ideal role: owner of the now famous Chicken Ranch brothel who falls in love with the town sheriff, Burt Reynolds. Here’s Burt and Dolly’s post-coital chanson:

The Strangest Video Online Ever Video

Seriously….wtf? I’ll still watch it, over and over and over

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Needed: Drunk Elephants

Kind of reminds me of that scene from Lord of the Rings, the really awesome one where the elf brings down an elephant by its earring....maybe this sport also needs some elves...

Some of the world’s craziest sports were definitely influenced by alcohol. They had to be—no way some of these strange games could have been created if people weren’t intoxicated.

One sport that admittedly was started after a “drunken lunch” was elephant polo. The game takes what is relatively normal in some places, polo, and adds the most powerful land animal on earth.

The World Series of Elephant Polo is played out for a week straight in Thailand, Nepal and Sri Lanka. It is truly a sight to see: goofy men seated atop elephants, being “driven” by mahouts (natives) with long mallets. The rest of the rules are pretty similar to normal polo. The biggest difference? Elephants are fast.

Cool Jumping (sorta)

Won't do any good to say this isn't what I planned

First of all, an explanation:  There was no post last week because I was buried under a pile of work.  I still am, but I needed a little breather.  A chance to write something a little less news-y or academic.  So I return.

I’m still muscling through Robert Bolano’s The Savage Detectives slowly.  

Here’s Looking at You, Kid

I don’t know if I’ve ever watched a black and white movie before because a movie without color kind of seems unnatural to me. That is, until I got to watch Casablanca in class.

It was as good as everyone says it is. Most of the accents were pretty horrible, but otherwise it was a classic love story about a guy that I wish existed in real life.

What is Going on With Lady Gaga?

Lady Gaga’s new video “Bad Romance” is ridiculous. I honestly couldn’t have expected anything less, especially since her crazies at the VMAs.

Was there a marketing and PR (don’t forget her costume designers) meeting early in her career when someone said, “Let’s make you as absurd as we possibly can?”  She seems to be popular enough, but I don’t know if its even remotely safe for the mental well being of little kids to watch her music videos.

[via Daily Mail]

~Beckett Noyes

Words o’ Wisdom: Tucker Max Gives Law Advice

“Do you want to waste three years of your life debating stupid and utterly irrelevant minutia? Then yes, get your JD. Do you want to get a degree that allows you work the rest of your life in a tedious, shitty, unrewarding job? Then yes, get your JD. Are you a boring, facile, socially retarded whore, desperate for the illusion of money and success, regardless of the cost to your life and the lives of those you love? Then yes, get your JD.”

-Tucker Max

Korean Woman Passed Drivers Exam After Test Given 950 Times!

Cha-Sa smiles for the camera, 950 times later!

Watch out Korean drivers! In Seoul, on Wednesday, a 68 year old, Korean woman passed her written drivers exam after taking it 950 times (I bet most of you are happy you don’t have to drive on Korean streets right about now.)

Cha- Sa soon has been taking the test almost every day since April 2005. She supposedly needs her license for her vegetable business. She was obviously very determined, because I don’t know anyone who would voluntarily put themselves through that much stress and humiliation.