Eating As A Science

image courtesy of: http://www.sun-sentinel.com/media/photo/2009-04/46334739.jpg

One of the most overlooked and impressive character traits in some of the world’s greatest human beings is the ability to eat colossal amounts of food. Food-eating contests are among the universe’s most amazing spectacles. In some cultures, people are more likely to watch a bunch of goons chew on spam than fill up a stadium. Here’s a quick rundown of a few of my favorite contest highlights:

• Ken Edward of England once set a record by eating 36 cockroaches in one minute
• Kobayashi has ate 17.7 pounds of cow brains in 15 minutes
• And Chris Hendrix set a world-record for crawfish eating: 331 of the critters in a dozen minutes

And of course, you can always challenge a friend to a cat food eating contest to cure yourself of hangover, like these terrific athletes:

In my own experiences, I’ve seen many fascinating feats — I, if I must elaborate on my own strength, once ate 48 halves of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at one lunch — but none compare to the eating prowess of a close friend. He loves apple juice, drinks it in the galloons. But hates orange juice. Or at least pushes it aside because of his intimate affection for Adam and Eve’s favorite fruit.

His stomach can expand so exponentially, similar to a reticulated python, that he eats two steaks for his birthday. He weighs less than a giant anteater, but eats more than an adult blue whale. To preserve his intense ill will of the spotlight one gains by being named in The Greasy Pole, we will label this man as “the platypus.”

image courtesy of http://www.angryasianman.com/images/angry/kobayashi.jpg

“The platypus” seems to take each meal as a personal challenge on his manhood. At meals, I believe there’s a voice in his head reminding him how much Kobayashi is consuming at the same time. The only difference between the two?  “The platypus” eats REALLY slowly. Here’s a quick play-by-play of every undergrad meal I had with him:

1)   We all walk around the café, come back with 4 or 5 plates

2)   Everyone stares at female butts

3)   “The platypus” takes 10 minutes to meticulously cut up his chicken

4)   Everyone else finishes and goes for dessert

5)   “The platypus” goes back for another round of 3 pieces of chicken, 2 pizza slices and a glass of milk

6)   Everyone is still staring at female butts

7)   An hour has passed and “the platypus” is slowly finishing off some mac-n-cheese

8)   “The platypus” finally finishes his meal; everyone else is asleep

It takes a lot of practice, but more importantly, a God-given ability is needed to compete with these eating super heroes. My crew of friends constantly urge “the platypus” to take the next step and battle against the likes of Kobayashi–who has technically retired, but, c’mon, the gift and urge of food-eating contests can never truly leave someone, so we anticipate a his triumphant return–in food-eating contests. But, only time will tell to see if he ever agrees to enter one.