This is just not the kind of story one expects from Canada.
The Edmonton Journal of Edmonton, Alberta reports that a 49-year-old man was stabbed in the steam room at Grant McEwan College. The stabbing, according to the article, was the result of an argument over steam rocks.
The right way to enjoy a steam.
The wrong way to enjoy a steam.
But the short article raises more questions than it answers – not least of which is, “What are steam rocks?” I’m going to assume, probably pretty accurately, that these are rocks that create steam, via some sort of magic and/or kung-fu.
The next question, then, is, “Why was a 49-year-old man in the college steam room?” I feel pretty safe making the wildly reckless assumption that he was a sexual deviant, predator, and probably a dope fiend, as well.
The article then goes on to use the following evidence to support the “argument over steam rocks” assertion as a motive for the stabbing:
“Ibarra (a witness) said he heard one man yell ‘You can’t do that here,’ or ‘You can’t do that in a public place.’”
At this point I’d like to return to, and tentatively substantiate, my original speculation of sexual perversion on the part of the stabbed and re-evaluate my assessment of the term “steam rocks” which clearly actually means “public masturbation,” or perhaps simply, “ballsack.”
However, we are still left with the question of why the stabber had a knife in the steam room, and, even more disturbing, where he hid it.
Whack-Ass Honorable Mentions:
I include this for a single, mindblowing line: “The Mosquito, a device which emits an irritating high-pitched sound that adults cannot hear, has been deployed in several towns across the country.”
That adults cannot hear? Why didn’t I know about this before? Why did I waste my childhood not listening to incredibly high-pitched sounds that I may never be able to hear again? So many regrets. So many questions.
“We have no way of knowing whether Osama bin Laden is chatting to Abu Hamza on Facebook. Or terrorists could be having a four-way chat on Skype.”
For example: Osama posts a pic of himself doing a kegstand and Hamza comments, “LOLsicle i think i was probs passed outttt when u did this lol. So terrorist attack tmrw? Hit me up.” And now we can stop it.
~ Kyle Adams